My last boyfriend was 11 years ago.
I haven’t dated since then. I haven’t been with a guy since then. The most excitement my parts have had, have been my yearly visits to the gynecologist and it’s really not all that fun.
Writing it down makes it seem so stark and bleak.
But the 11 years haven’t been all that stark, bleak, and loveless. I have my friends, family, employment drama and upheavals, celebrations, interests, reading, cats, creating, buying and moving into my very own house, the resulting house work (read: big-ass projects), events, errands, new things to try/do/make, learning new things, trips, favorite TV shows/movies, and most of all finding out that I am quite content to be by myself. The 11 years have gone by quickly too. I hardly realize it’s been so long unless I write it down or think about it.
Granted, I yearn for company at times. Company that isn’t my friends or family. Especially when I see a romantic scene on TV or in a movie or read one in a book. I think, “God that would be nice, why don’t I have that?”
It’s a rhetorical question. I do know why I don’t have that. I’m not actively seeking someone. I’m not “putting myself out there”. I’m not going/doing things where a plethora of males congregate.
And I am one prickly bitch at times; well I should be honest since I’m confessing, most times. Working on that tho,
Also, I have body issues and don’t feel attractive enough to display my pudgy plumage to attract someone. I know that there is no such thing as perfection, but when I don’t feel confident or attractive, I really don’t want to share or be with another. I don’t even like looking at myself in the mirror. I did try running again, but developed bone spurs, so impact activities are no longer something I can do. I’m looking for something else to do physically, but the slough of despond has me by the ankles at this time so I haven’t done anything yet.
I do meet the random guy at the book sales or grocery shopping but they’re typically in their 60’s or older and if they’re younger, they’re married or have kids with them. It’s nice to talk to them, exchange authors, tips, information, and whatnot.
I’m too independent to be in a “needy” relationship (and ICK!, couldn’t handle it either). I don’t have the patience to put up with the games. And I’m too honest to engage in subterfuge. I would need someone who is as strong as I am or a teeny bit stronger. I tend to attract the guys who have mortal wounds. Don’t get me wrong, everyone has damage of some sort, but I am not an ER damn it.
I do miss the anticipation, the passion, the comfort, the company, the mental and physical stimulation, the energy that’s created, the funny moments, the caring moments, the “OMG, did that just happen” moments, and the sharing. I can do without. Can I do with?
So I guess what I’m confessing to is that I haven’t had a relationship with a guy in 11 years.
The bit of TMI is that I’m surprised my parts haven’t grown over.
And the plan of action?
Dressing appropriately – check (read: no more dressing in baggy enormous clothing to hide in).
Upping the physical activity level – in the thinking stage (read: I have a few leads, just not followed up on them).
Standing up straight and looking people in the eye – working on that (read: practicing while out on errands).
Admitting this is something I’m missing – check (read: I just put it all out there with this entry).
I haven’t dated since then. I haven’t been with a guy since then. The most excitement my parts have had, have been my yearly visits to the gynecologist and it’s really not all that fun.
Writing it down makes it seem so stark and bleak.
But the 11 years haven’t been all that stark, bleak, and loveless. I have my friends, family, employment drama and upheavals, celebrations, interests, reading, cats, creating, buying and moving into my very own house, the resulting house work (read: big-ass projects), events, errands, new things to try/do/make, learning new things, trips, favorite TV shows/movies, and most of all finding out that I am quite content to be by myself. The 11 years have gone by quickly too. I hardly realize it’s been so long unless I write it down or think about it.
Granted, I yearn for company at times. Company that isn’t my friends or family. Especially when I see a romantic scene on TV or in a movie or read one in a book. I think, “God that would be nice, why don’t I have that?”
It’s a rhetorical question. I do know why I don’t have that. I’m not actively seeking someone. I’m not “putting myself out there”. I’m not going/doing things where a plethora of males congregate.
And I am one prickly bitch at times; well I should be honest since I’m confessing, most times. Working on that tho,
Also, I have body issues and don’t feel attractive enough to display my pudgy plumage to attract someone. I know that there is no such thing as perfection, but when I don’t feel confident or attractive, I really don’t want to share or be with another. I don’t even like looking at myself in the mirror. I did try running again, but developed bone spurs, so impact activities are no longer something I can do. I’m looking for something else to do physically, but the slough of despond has me by the ankles at this time so I haven’t done anything yet.
I do meet the random guy at the book sales or grocery shopping but they’re typically in their 60’s or older and if they’re younger, they’re married or have kids with them. It’s nice to talk to them, exchange authors, tips, information, and whatnot.
I’m too independent to be in a “needy” relationship (and ICK!, couldn’t handle it either). I don’t have the patience to put up with the games. And I’m too honest to engage in subterfuge. I would need someone who is as strong as I am or a teeny bit stronger. I tend to attract the guys who have mortal wounds. Don’t get me wrong, everyone has damage of some sort, but I am not an ER damn it.
I do miss the anticipation, the passion, the comfort, the company, the mental and physical stimulation, the energy that’s created, the funny moments, the caring moments, the “OMG, did that just happen” moments, and the sharing. I can do without. Can I do with?
So I guess what I’m confessing to is that I haven’t had a relationship with a guy in 11 years.
The bit of TMI is that I’m surprised my parts haven’t grown over.
And the plan of action?
Dressing appropriately – check (read: no more dressing in baggy enormous clothing to hide in).
Upping the physical activity level – in the thinking stage (read: I have a few leads, just not followed up on them).
Standing up straight and looking people in the eye – working on that (read: practicing while out on errands).
Admitting this is something I’m missing – check (read: I just put it all out there with this entry).
2 comments:
I know what you mean (as best I can map your experiences to mine). I didn't start dating until a few years ago - I just figured I would be alone all of my life so why bother. And that is still pretty much the case.
Maybe the key is location? I know where I live, in the Silicon Valley, the ratio of men to women is 3 to 1, which makes it harder for guys to find someone, but... I tried moving to a better (more even ratio) location once, and even though that didn't work for me...
Lots of geeky people out here!
I did notice that you said "with a guy" more than once. Is there something more to the story. :)
You seem like a good person (I enjoyed our dinner back in 1999), and I know you do not need anyone else, but I hope you find that person you want to share your life with. Solitary has its advantages, but one usually doesn't realize them until one enters into a relationship.
Strictly hetero here, Ed.
Nothing more to the story. Just the last relationship I actually lived with guy. It was nice in the beginning but then his previous baggage started to overtake the relationship and I fell out of love. I still love him, but not "being in a relationship" love. I guess you could say he was the right guy, just at the extremely wrong time. I was the most relaxed with him I've ever been with someone (other than my friends).
Anyhoo, I seem to have drifted since then.
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