Sunday, July 26, 2009

Out and About Doin' the Hooligout

I went out with new friend, L, last night. When she came to my house to transfer over to my car (she drove last time we went out), my neighbor was out sweeping her steps. When she saw me, she said, "wow, you're smokin' tonight!" Of course she's only ever seen me in lawn-mowing mode and bedraggled after-work mode, so seeing me with smoky eyes, blonde curls, a crisp white buttondown showing some cleavage, and a short skinny jean skirt with heels that made my legs look like they started at my chin was a bit of an eye opener for her. L told her I don't go out enough and my neighbor agreed and said she hoped the smokin' effect wreaked some havoc on the male gender. And it did, but so not the way I expected...

We went to a neighboring town's restaurant/bar for a late dinner and some beverages. The waitress was super sweet, the chicken tenders were super crunchy, and the drinks were super weak. I convinced L that staying for expensive weak drinks and bad Karaeoke (sp?) was not how I wanted to spend the rest of the evening so we left and moved on to another local hang out.

The drinks were better but the live band sucked ass, literally and figuratively. We sat and chatted and texted my best friend J in Florida. We ran into someone L knows and chatted with him for a while. One of the locals hit on L.

Next thing we know, this spiffily dressed - and when I say spiffy I mean SPIFFY, he had on a sparkly belt, rhinestone pins scattered on his shirt, rings practically on every finger, I swear I saw several earrings in one ear, coiffed white hair, those old-time shoes that look like a cross between fancy one-color bowling shoes and blue suede shoes but his were white - older man comes waltzing (and I do mean waltzing and if it wasn't waltzing it was skipping, or floating, or gamboling) into the bar and immediately (after equipping himself with a beer) starts buzzing around the women like a bee dipping into each flower. He asked each of them to dance, some nice ones took him up on his offer but most didn't. He buzzed around our table and stayed to talk A LONG time after we both politely said no to dancing. L left to go to the bathroom and the man stayed and proceeded to regale me with mini risque stories, drop one-liners like "if you can keep up with me till 5am, I treat you to breakfast", tell blonde jokes with the blonde always coming out on top "because we blondes need to stick together" (he considered his white hair his blonde ticket), compliment me, touch my arm high enough up to cop a fleeting feel of my boobie, put his hand on my knee or my shoulder, and while it sounds like harassment as I write it down, it was truly innocuous due to how light-hearted and in the moment he was, and it wasn't threatening or icky. It was more like Puck in human form having a blast amongst the women-flowers. (He reminded me alot of Gpa out skating.) Anyhoo. After he left our table one time (he came back numerous times), these other two guys asked us if he was bothering us. We said no and they said he comes out all the time, looking to dance up a storm, in fact his local nickname is "Geezer Pimp" coz of all the bling he wears and his propensity for women. So my smokin' appearance led to being hit on by 78 year old Geezer Pimp!

Next up, much later in the evening, a man comes up and asks if we'd dance with his friend who's going off to Iraq in three days. Both L and said we weren't dancing but they were welcome to sit at our table with us. They came over and proceeded to joke and overshare - it was that time of night. Both of them were Navy, one was 21 and the other was 22 years old, and both were finding Maine an experience. First Guy was from California and had never experienced 50degree temps and saw snow for the first time last winter. Second Guy hailed from Ohio and it turns out his brother is attending my alma mater. How funny is that? First Guy said he was feeling funny about wearing shorts out to the bar because back in Cali you wear long pants out clubbing. I told him there is no clubbing in Maine, it's bar hopping and shorts are norm. L used the word "wicked" to describe something and they just about fell out of their chairs. First Guy said in Cali they say "hella" for "wicked". So we all had to come up with funny hella and wicked phrases with me topping the fun using the F-bomb. First Guy thought I was a riot and told me so several times. After much double meaning and risque talk, the bar was closing and we decided to walk over to another bar and see if there were going to be any fights. There weren't but First Guy offered to go back to my place and "do a little sumpin' sumpin'." I thanked him for his kind offer but had to decline as I was interested in someone else's sumpin' sumpin'. And so my smokin' appearance led to be hit on by a 22 year old.

Go figure, I was hit on by someone who could be my grandfather and by someone who could be my son all in the same night. Now that's got to be good for a drinking game.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Two And A Half Men Speak

"There's not enough bowel movements left!"

"Shut-the-hell-up-shoe"

"Turd in the punchbowl"

"Did your blow-up doll run away with a pool toy?"

"Vodka, Scotch, Whiskey - blond, brunette, and redhead - Charlie's Angels"

"Deep down she's several people and they're all bent."

"I ain't hitting her positive attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass!"

"I now pronounce you fruit basket and nut case. May God have mercy on your souls."

"The head that made the promise isn't the head that broke it."

"It's not a sausage problem, more in the meatball area."

"Swamp ass." "You'd know if you had swamp ass." "A kid in my school had swamp ass and a cat followed him around for 3 weeks."

Just had to share the gigglefest.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

VacaPics Using iPhoto

Some belated postings of a few vaca pics. I finally got brave enough for the iMac to suck my photos off my camera. Tonight I've discovered two things I need help with: 1) how to get back to the original photo after I've tweaked it and 2) how to make my photos more blogworthy (read: smaller and crappier quality) instead of huge shiny glistening files that take a long time to upload to the blog. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

Ah, whitish sand and turquoise water.

My bestest friend J, her daughter M, and two youngsters L and S.

And this is my youngster. Fortunately the zoo is taking care of it for me.

My haul on one of my two beach-going days. I mailed them back to myself.

Endless vista that I miss.

Male and Female Pumpkin Flowers

The female flower is low on the vine growing off a mini-starter baby pumpkin and when the wide blossom opens up it has a very fat almost foot-stool shaped middle. I have no idea what the technical term for the middle is - stamen?

The male flower is on a tall stalk growing straight up from the vine, the blossom is not as wide and has a much thinner longer middle part - tech term pistil?

Anyhoo, the idea is to get the tall flower's pollen (located on the longer thinner middle part) onto the low flower's fat middle part - thus creating a fertilized pumpkin. How you can tell you did the procedure correctly is that the mini-starter pumpkin instead of not growing and rotting away, starts to swell almost immediately the day after you played matchmaker.

You can do this for squash, zucchini, and cucumbers.

So now you know. Happy fertilizing!

Gardening factoids courtesy of my Mom, Wednesday's Child, and her "gay zucchini story" which is not only educational but extremely pants-wetting as well. Thank you, oh, Master Gardner, you!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Like a Good Neighbor...

Slambo is there.

Once again I'm in charge of watering my neighbor's plants while she is away. But this year I really haven't had to because of all the rain. I totally lucked out in that respect. Besides, the deer or some other wild suburban animals have been extreme-barbering the dahlias I injured last year.

On the other hand, I don't think she arranged for anyone to mow her lawn so I've taken it upon myself to be a good neighbor and mow hers when I mow mine. Our lawns merge after all and when I mow my side lawn, her unmown grass is VERY noticeable, not to mention unsightly.

So I mowed two yards (back and front) today after work before the rain settles in again this weekend. And it was very humid. And buggy. And I was a drippy schweaty mess. God how I dislike heat/humidity.

At work we are dealing with a salmonella outbreak in the downstairs part of the building. Adding diarrhea to hot and humid weather. Instant big time fun.

I was just informed yesterday that my famous or "infamous" (depending on what level a health nut you are) party pretzels have been requested for a bake sale for next week. I've been told that people buy them in bulk and are hugely disappointed when they're gone. In addition to the Reese's PB baking bits (crushed) flavor, I'm substituting mini choc chips for crushed M&M baking bits (what a pain in the ass crushing them is) with some sprinkles added for color and a new flavor of crushed Whoppers. I had an idea for a healthy version - fruit bits with mini choc chips, sort of like trail mix glued onto a pretzel - but the powers that be tell me no one wants the party pretzels to be healthy.

It's supposed to be hot and humid all weekend, I'm not really looking forward to spending time over the stove with a double boiler full of white chocolate and trays upon trays of candy coated pretzels.

I'm just too damn nice for my own good.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pumpkin Artificial Insemination

Yep, you read right...

Mom started my giant pumpkin seed from scratch and when I got back from vaca the beginning of June, it was a massive green healthy seedling.

I made a mound of dirt, compost, and manure-y mulch and planted it in my back landscape garden.

And then it proceeded to rain, and rain, and rain, and rain, and rain, and oh, rain some goddamn more.

The vine has been growing S.L.O.W.L.Y. and small yellow and black striped bugs have been massively a-munching the leaves.

About 4 beginning pumpkins failed because the girlie flowers were not opening the same time as the boy flowers - so no naturally occurring pumpkin-sex.

Monday before work, I noticed a female flower in open bloom and one lone male flower open and ready to go... but not a busy bee or bug to be seen. I took matchmaking matters in my own hands and proceeded to administer artificial insemination.

Meaning I picked the male flower, bent back the petals, and swirled the male flower parts around inside the female flower.

Today the fruit of my labors is swelling. Houston, we have a giant pumpkin a-growin'. Halleluyah!