Friday, November 17, 2006

Memo To Cats

Re: Potty Time

Moomin, Doodle, and Hobbes:

As your delightful and bend-over-backwards owner, I understand curiosity is a defining factor of the feline nature. I understand that when I leave a room, you MUST come and seek me out to make sure I am still present and accounted for. I totally get that you love me unconditionally unless I am doing something directly opposed to your wants like taking you to the vet, clipping your claws, or washing your chin with Kitty Stridex using a toothbrush to get to your skin under the fur.

As your owner, I have certain responsibilities outside the realm of providing you breakfast, dinner, and the coveted bedtime snack. I also do more than amuse you with my blonde human antics. I need to “scoop the poop” to keep your unflushable toilet clean and fresh for your use. One: to keep you from using other parts of our home as a urinal and Two: to prevent illnesses that can result from dirty litter boxes.

I make sure I do this at a time when none of you are using the litter boxes. I give you your privacy to make with the evacuations. I expect the same in return.

I’m a girl who values her privacy and I’m feeling like I am back in college with the group bathrooms. Having all three of you roaming in and out of the bathroom when I am otherwise engaged, is not flying with me. Especially trying to get behind the toilet, eating terry cloth strings hanging from my robe which you created by jumping on me after my shower, dumping over the trash to make used Kleenexes into jerry-rigged toys, and attempting to climb the shower curtain.

I don’t hover over you while you are digging to China and I would appreciate if you would leave me the fuck alone when I am trying to do what I need to do.

Having said this, I know in my heart-of-hearts you are going to completely disregard my memo and continue on your merry way of irritating the piss out of me. No pun intended.

Respectfully submitted by:
Your owner who is having her last nerve jumped on.


3 comments:

Joanna Stein said...

I have not gone potty alone in at least 9 years. Let me know if your memo works.

Joanne S said...

Get a door. Shut it. I stopped being amused by group toilets when you and your brother hit 2 and 4 years. Of course there was the "swallowing the bead and choking" incident when I did open the door.

Samantha said...

I have a door. It doesn't shut all the way and the furry felines can push it open and I am too damn far away to keep the door shut with my foot.