Rated Thus Because of "Ass" and "Pain"

Deep Thoughts for a Blonde

Reading Isaac Asimov’s Science Past-Science Future this past weekend, I noted two interesting points he made.

1) “Every tool we have represents an improved body part. The stone is an improved fist, and the stone knife is an improved fingernail. The armor of a medieval knight was an improved skin, and gunpowder is an improved biceps for throwing missiles.” This struck me. I thought of all the things I “use” throughout my day as an “improved body part”. Screwdriver – stronger fingers, wrench – stronger wrists, hammer – stronger biceps, cups – better than hands, silverware – better than fingers, pen – more exact than a finger dipped in ink, fan – better than blowing on myself, air conditioner – far better than a fan or blowing on myself, Post-Its – additional memory tools, and vehicles –seven league boots straight from the fairytale.


2) “… the brain dies. You are born with 100 billion or so brain cells, and that is your total lifetime supply. Some of them will die; in fact, some of them are constantly dying, but no new ones will be formed.” So this basically means that the longer you live, the less brain cells you have. And we wonder why there is such a surge in Alzheimer’s, senile dementia, and general senility today. When the human race used to die in their 30s and 40s it wasn’t much of an issue. It still wasn’t when the life expectancy was in the 60’s. Now of course, being 60 is the new 40. And a lot of the 80 and 90 year old senior citizens are showing the result of dying brain cells that do NOT EVER get replaced. How fun. I am so looking forward to the time that I will forget I was ever looking forward to.

"Glistening... My Ass, Sweating Like a Pig is More Like It

I spoke to my brother Tuesday night and he endorsed my blogosophy, to just continue on my merry way as he enjoys catching up with what’s going on with his dearly beloved sister. Well, he didn’t say it exactly like that, being economically-minded when it comes to his verbiage, but I know that’s what he meant.

I lost about 10 pounds of water weight yesterday during the book sale set up. The day started out hot and humid and just went from there. We were working in a middle school gym and the ceiling fans were not “operating properly” so they could not be turned on. I was sweating non-stop for 7 straight hours. Only for books, coz nothing makes me one cranky-ass bitch like hot humid weather. My hands turned black and my hair never dried from my morning shower (which was a complete waste of time really). When lunch came, I discovered the girls’ locker room/bathroom was not only air-conditioned (?) but also completely out of soap. Yeah, I tried really hard to not think about all the stuff still on my hands even after a really hard scrub in hot water. I unboxed 111 boxes of biographies, about the same for mystery (a little less), 20ish boxes for science fiction, and about 15ish boxes for occult. That’s a lot of books and tables and bending and lifting and sorting and organizing and sweating buckets. Not to mention dodging the spiders and ants and flying miniature vampires. Mucho exciting. Again, only for books.

Then went I got home, I found my garden and hydrangea all wilting and pathetic. So I scurried around setting up hoses (hadn’t done that yet) and watering said sad specimens of planthood. Then I brainwaved setting up milk jugs (very cleaned out) and OJ jugs upside down with holes cut in the bottom and stuck them in the ground by the squash and filled them with water. I set up Poland Spring bottles (same way, ass end up with holes and filled with water) up for each pumpkin plant. Now, I don’t know if the jugs and bottles are set up the proper way for maximum irrigation, but if it works, I DON’T CARE. If I come home to non-wilty plants, I’m fine with the jerry-rigged set-up.

After all the extreme sweating, I finally jumped into a fully aerated (thanks to my new institutional shower head, only $4) cold shower and then stayed damp because my house was warm. Not as warm as outside, but still 80 is not all that comfy even with fans on. I perused my book choices, weeded out the doubles, and finally curled up on the Chair of Death and read while my shins throbbed. I think I have another bone spur, located in the opposite heel. Great.

I did not sleep all night because again, the fan did NOT help and I was WARM (read: hot and supremely uncomfortable) all night and there were three cats who were warm and wanting to cuddle up on my sheeted body and I was tossing and turning trying to find the perfect cool spot with legs out from under the sheet, hair sticking to my face and neck and JUST. COMPLETELY. MISERABLE. I finally “woke up” and got out of bed at 6:30am and showered yet again. Then off to work with a side trip to drop off the doubles and just look a bit more for the things I forgot to get to yesterday. Found some major finds!!!

Tomorrow morning I get to put up the signs for our book sale and then I get to scoot to the neighboring town’s book sale before work. Hopefully I will find some treasures which will combat being PMSy, hot, sweating, and irritated coz this sale has boxes of books UNDER the tables in a tiny unairconditioned church. I get very tired of having my butt constantly bumped as I dig through the boxes. UGH!!

Random Pictures in Celebration of BlogDay

A close-up of Sir Chompsalot, aka, Moomin.

One of my bay-OO-tiful peonies!

An extreme close-up of Doodle.

The peony before it opened and after a sunshower.

Droplets on Lady's Mantle. The dots on top of the droplets are the infamous yellow pollen we've just finished dealing with.

All the signs I painted or touched up for the BookSale this weekend.

Happy Happy Joy Joy*

(*Can you guess that PopCulture reference? I knew that you could!)

It’s my blogday!

This very day one year ago, I decided to enter the blogosphere. It hasn’t been quite what I expected, not that I had any real firm ideas of what it would be like. Other than sort of journal-like and that I would post pictures of “amazing and/or show stopping” quality and the writing would be “ever so witty and addicting”.

What I have learned…

I don’t carry my digcamera around enough. I am constantly forgetting to bring it along and missing all sorts of interesting pictures of random things I see and think “that would be neat to blog about”. (I recently missed taking a pic of a guy at the tippy-top of a church steeple making repairs, a trailer truck with STUDENT DRIVER plastered on it’s sides, and a crow fest – and I do mean it literally, the crows were congregated in the higher double digits!)

I take a lot of cat pics and blog cat posts. But cats are a deep and abiding interest. I’d curl up and die if I didn’t have cats in my life. And I like taking action shots and close-ups of them. And sharing.

I have a very quiet life.

Reading other peoples’ writing has shown me that my writing is NO where near as funny or as witty as I thought.

I ramble a lot. I digress a lot. I vent a lot.

Being an extremely lionish Leo, I find I want more comments. (It’s that “center of attention” part to my character. I do like the comments I get very much!)

And that may be due to not having a real “focus” to the blog. There’s no one specific slant or catch; like quilting, knitting, divorce, make-up, fashion, current affairs, etc. It’s rather sprawling.

So starting forward from today…

most likely I’ll continue as I’ve begun – random posts sprinkled with my interests and/or surprising events heavily spiced with venting and PMS.

Full Frontal Friday**

**Caution, blog contains materials that may not be suitable for younger audiences, nuns, and people who object to 6th grade-pull-my-finger sense of humor.

When I was house-hunting way back when, my realtor found my to-be home on their network a half hour after it had been posted. She urged me and my parents (they were my mentors coz they have tons of looking and home-owning experience) to see this house with her RIGHT AWAY! We came, we saw, and I put a bid on it that evening.

But while she was showing us around and making sure we didn't miss all the attractive selling-point features (big backyard, deck, garage, new carpet, sliding glass door, full basement, etc), I was busy noticing the small personal touches to the house which would be leaving with the owner. On our way down to said basement, I saw the lightswitch. I started to giggle. Alot. The owner's daughter asked me why and when I showed her, she said her mother put it up for a joke a long time ago. My parents appreciated the humor of the switch plate but the realtor, who was veddy propah British, was not that impressed and she moved us to the next "real" selling point.

When I moved in, I was very pleased to see that the lady had left me the switch plate. Everytime I use the switch, I have to smile because that eighty-someodd lady and I have a private raunchy joke. See pictures below...

Off

On

"Honey, do you know what goes with this lightswitch, could you check, on, off, on, off, honey are you checking? On, off, on, off." My switch plate would be a cool commercial.

Serious CatButt and CatTree HiJinks

Back that ass up. Baby got back. Tootsie roll. Dunkey butt. Daisy dukes. Rumpshaker. Yes, a plethora of 90's rap glorifying the rearend in tributt to Moomin's big shiny buttocks!

Contemplating the hand that holds the toy....

And there's the toy of the moment. A furry ball with octopus velvet legs. Courtesy of my local grocery store. Talk about a great impulse buy.

This is right before he decided to loft himself off the cat tree with the toy stuffed in his mouth over my head. Very exciting times. 5 minutes later he was zonked out.

Bookish Meme

I have allowed myself to be tagged by Red Shoe Ramblings as the meme has to do with my “drug of choice” – BOOKS!!! Consider yourself tagged if you need a blog entry.

A book that made you cry: Into the Wilderness by Sara Donati

A book that scared you: Children of the Matrix by David Icke

A book that made you laugh: Fried Green Tomatoes by Fannie Flagg

A book that disgusted you (but couldn’t put down): Medical Detectives Volumes 1 & 2 by Berton Roueche

A book that challenged your identity: Books are part of my identity!

A book you loved in elementary school: The Changeling by Zilphia Keatly Snyder

A book you loved in middle school: Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

A book you loved in high school: The Long Walk by Richard Bachman (aka Stephen King)

A book you loved in college: Six of One by Rita May Brown

A book you hated in high school: Any and all of the assigned reading!

A book you hated in college: Most of the assigned reading!

A series you love: Entire Anne of Green Gables series by L.M. Montgomery

Your favorite horror book: Phantoms by Dean Koontz (cheesy but good)

Your favorite romance book: Les Liaisons Dangereuses by Choder los de Laclos

Your favorite gothic: The Winter People by Phyllis A. Whitney

Your favorite science fiction book: The Crystal Singer by Anne McCaffery

Your favorite fantasy book: Gloriana by Michael Moorcock

Your favorite mystery book: Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie

Your favorite suspense book (one you had to finish in one night): The Fortress by Gabrielle Lord

Your favorite biography: Napoleon and Josephine by Frances Mossiker

Your favorite classic: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Your favorite “coming of age” book: Anya by Susan Fromberg Schaeffer

All time favorite book: Banners of Silk by Rosiland Laker

Friday Word Game

Open to any page in a thesaurus or dictionary and pick the first word you look at that lends itself to being changed. Change one letter or add one letter and tweak the definition to go along with the changes made to the word. The object is for this to be humorous!!!

My “words o’ day" are...

Poultry > Pooltry: a puddle of ducks

Sentiment

> Centiment: being paid to be unreasonable
> Rentiment: periodically paying others to be unreasonable
> Dentiment: the negative emotional impact of being mentally side-swiped/rear-ended

Validate > Valimate: one half of a legally matched pair

Unctuous > Functuous: the hypocritical two-faced insincerity one exhibits at formal social occasions when complimenting others on their outfits

And last but not least (totally my favorite!) -

Hurricane > Purricane: a veritable storm of good vibrations from your cat

Playing "Supervisor Approved" Hookey

Yesterday, I just couldn't take it anymore and asked my wonderful supervisor if I could "just go" as I didn't think they wanted to pay me to pick my nose at work. She sent me off with her blessings, so I went straight to my favorite local gardening shop to buy stuff for my garden which I've neglected to do anything with for the past few years (too lazy, procrastinated like there was no tomorrow, and just not interested in the maintenance factor). But before I went on vaca, I was motivated to replace rotting wood with bricks and also turn the dirt over. Coming home and seeing all that fresh ready-to-be-planted with something dirt and all the compost I've generated built up to a frenzy of "must garden NOW today!!". So I did.

First tho, after returning home with my purchases, I needed to take some buggy pictures. The bee was a lucky shot and I'm surprised I actually took it's picture as I have a inexplicable urge to act like a panicked dumb-ass whenever a bee or a wasp buzzes around me. But I couldn't resist taking a pic of a BeeButt.

Then I disturbed a newly hatched bundle of baby spiders. Too creepily cute! Click on this picture to really get a good look at the babies. This pic doesn't due them justice unless it's full screened.

Hobbes had to watch me in all my gardening frenzy.

Here are my Summer Squash plants. I made a big huge "mound" for them to all be on at once instead of separate mounds (that's a pain in the ass, I'm trying the lazy gardener's way this year).

My pumpkin plants. Again on one big mound in the second raised bed garden. And they have houses coz the last time I tried to grow pumpkins, something chewed thru them right at dirt level.

And a third of my Cherry Tomato plants. I have three half wine barrels and each one has 4 plants. It was the only way to buy the plants, get 12 in one little cork container.

Close-ups of the labels.

I have also started, and yes I know it's late to do so but hey I'm being super optimistic, GIANT pumpkin seedlings and MAMMOTH sunflowers. Giant because they can get over 100 pounds and mammoth because they can eat a child. I plan to just plant the giant pumpkins directly into my compost pile when they are ready to be transplanted and put the sunflowers in the back garden directly behind my house - lots of sun! I'll keep you posted on further gardening developments.

My Grampa

I took this picture of my Gpa while I was visiting him. There's a sadness in his eyes and expression. I think he's lonely and tired.

We visited him and Gma every summer. He took me and my brother camping, fishing, rollerskating, and flea marketing. Mostly just me. He was my favorite and I was (is) his favorite. He'd wake me up in the mornings and I'd get into his truck that smelled like pipe tobacco and off we'd go. He taught me how to do the "Flea Hop" and the "Circle Waltz" and how you should buy multiples of the things you like coz they won't have more when it's time to get a new one of whatever it was and to ask "is this your best price?". One summer, he made us scooters out of plumbing pipe, skate board wheels, and wood. Their neighborhood sidewalks were mega bumpy so we had tons fun rolling around the neighborhood. Their attic was filled with old toys, clothes, and "mysterious" things. I could spend hours up there rummaging through "treasures". Gpa tried his best to teach us how to play Bumper Pool on his table in the basement. He didn't have much patience for mis-shots. "Pay attention to the angle of your stick, where it's pointing is where your ball is going." His garage was packed with tools and nails and screws and bags and boxes of stuff. No room for the car. The basement was packed with tons of stuff as well. He had a maze of walkways to get to his back "work room" area where many a project was in process. Grampa would play Yahtzee and cards with us. "Hotsie Totsie, I've got a Yahtzee!" While he watched Barney Miller on TV at night, I would lay my head on the arm of HIS chair and he'd stroke my hair or comb it. Sometime in high school, one summer I painted him a watercolor of items I associated with him - Yahtzee, his glasses, a pouch of his chewing tobacco, and cards. He has it hanging "where I can see it all the time" he says. When I started visiting him about 5 years ago, he took me bowling with him. "Pay attention to the angle of your thumb. Wherever it's pointing is where your ball is going."

During this visit when I was making him meatloaf, he told me of a memory he has of me asking him to make meatballs every time I came to visit them over the summers. He said I liked squishing the meat mixture and watching him roll the meatballs. I wish I could share that memory with him. I know it's in there, but I've completely forgotten it.

Here he is smirking at one of my smart-ass comments.

Feast or Famine

Coming back from vacation sucks in the “ohmigod, I have so much to catch up on, to do, to complete, to start, to finish, to follow up on, to figure out why I kept this something-or-other, and why did I go away in the first place if this was what I was coming back to” way.

And just this afternoon, I’ve managed to work myself into “The Nothing To Do Corner”. I powered thru last week, yesterday, and this morning and now that I’ve done everything I needed to catch up on plus the backlog that I was putting off for two months.

So what do I do? I draw incredibly detailed maps and color code where I will be placing different sized signage for the upcoming book sale. I re-do the table that has columns for *Where sign is going, *Permission from and when they gave it, and *What size sign by gussifying it up with bold, italics, underlining, and after it’s printed, different colored highlighters. I file my resources, weed through my Rolodex, rearrange my desktop, check pens for ink, delete emails, create new email folders, try to create “to do” lists out of thin air, and stare intently at the computer while thinking of stuff to do because that makes me look “smart” and “focused” and that “I’m concentrating as you can tell by the furrow in my brow”.

I have plenty of stuff I could be doing outside of working hours. I could be grocery shopping. I could be buying and replacing my super-icky shower head. I could be getting an estimate on rust removal and repainting for my car. I could be buying a new fan for the bathroom and one for the bedroom. I could be perusing phones and spending inordinate amounts of time trying to decide which one to buy to replace my aged phone that’s developed a aggressive form of senile dementia (it will only let me place one call a day no matter how many times I press the talk button after that one call or fiddle with the battery, it doesn’t ring but it will take messages, and it says it’s charging but that’s an outright lie). I have signs to paint and black foam to cut into triangles. I have cats to comb, rugs to vacuum, litter to change, and a lawn to take care of. I need to put my trampoline back together after my father took it apart (he says it was too difficult to mow around while I was on vaca, MEN!). I have some crafty projects a-percolating. And LOTS of books to read!!!!

I really shouldn’t be at work.

Mr. Moomie-Pants Been With Us a Year!

Sir Chompsalot is very much loved by me and tolerated by the other cats. Secretly, Doodle loves that she can lay on him and lick his face to her heart's content, but she does NOT like getting her hindparts chomped. Hobbes likes the fact that Moomin keeps Doodle occupied. And occasionally he's nice to lay next to. Moomin is certainly a character to have around. This weekend he broke a bowl coz his fat ass and the bowl did not fit together on the windowsill. What are ya gonna do? The bowl bits join the remains of the ceramic things Doodle and Hobbes have broken in their heyday!

A Weekend of Pain

Very early Saturday morning I was awakened, not by the treading of small feet on my hair or my boobies (which is always a minor painful experience), but by a major major MAJOR leg cramp-charley horse in the smack middle of my right calf. Usually if I lay on my stomach and go totally limp, it will go away, but not that morning. It just kept building and tightening and was seriously the most excruciating pain I have yet experienced in my life. It was SO painful it made me so intensely nauseous I almost threw up in bed. Breaking my arm, getting the wind knocked out of me, taking shin cracks in soccer, and the migraines had nothing on this cramp. It must have lasted 2 minutes at the most but it felt much longer. Finally it faded slowly away but there was vestigial pain in the middle of the calf all day, like I had been punched in the calf and the muscle had been bruised, and it most likely was. I soldiered on with my ambitious plan to walk to all the addresses of the people I need signage permission from for the upcoming Drug, er, I mean, Book Sale the end of June. It took me about an hour and a half to walk to all the houses. I didn’t “hurry”, not that I could what with the calf and feeling slightly yarfy the whole hike. Getting home was nice. Sinking into my Chair of Death was even nicer.

Then on Sunday, the leg was better, but as I mowed my yard, I developed a nice juicy migraine mid-way through. One of my bigger ones and the Aleve worked, barely. I was reduced to the Chair of Death for a few hours and missed out going to eat lunch with my mom but food was not in the books. I felt more myself around 8:00pm. I did get to sit outside in a plastic Adirondack-type chair for awhile early evening. There were only a few buggies that were more interested in beating themselves against my house than coming over and bugging the shit out of me.

I did see two real-life firsts this weekend. Friday I saw what I’ve only seen in pictures on Axel Rose, a skirt on a man. A camouflage-patterned pleated skirt complete with some sort of purse/tassel type thingie hanging from his waist about groin height. Nice. And what got me was that I saw this on a male teacher or aide in a school and no one found it the least bit comment-y. I obviously kept my comments and raised eyebrows to myself. I think men should wear skirts/kilts if they want, but I don’t think a school is the place to wear one. The other thing I saw, on Saturday’s hike, was one of those old fashioned bikes, the ones with the REALLY big front wheel with handle bars and seat over it and the itty bitty tiny wheel in the back, sort of like a tacked on training wheel. The guy riding it was higher than the cars passing him and he had no gears to assist with hilliness. And that’s a long way to fall if the bike goes out of control. His wife was riding behind him on a mountain bike, probably for emergency care purposes.

Hair Wars

Well Folks, we hope you enjoyed yesterday’s match. It certainly was an exciting all day event. Never a dull moment!

After an early promising start by a sleek and straight Slambo,

the weather became particularly offensive.

Forcing Slambo to resort to every defensive maneuver in the book and some even not on the books. But despite all the defense…

the weather takes all and Slambo lost.

Slambo: 0
Weather: Every time


Not only can the weather defeat me, but my own hair can defeat me.

It chooses what side it is going to part on that morning. It chooses to ignore the under curling to achieve true bobness and go all flippy-do Farrah Fawcett on my head. It chooses to be blond or a red version of blond. It chooses whether it will be a “nice” hair day or one where I have to use a clip or pony tail holder. I truly don’t know what my hair will be like until I have the hair dryer on. Also, I could start out with one look and throughout the day, it’s gradually changing itself into a completely different look.

As a child I had to battle with it to get the part even and the two barrettes on either side just right. Having a colic on one side in the front does not help matters. I kept it long and straight all through elementary and middle school. Finally in 9th grade, I let my mom cut it to my shoulders. I regret not keeping it there and I’ve sort of blanked why I went all short and feathery (on a good day). I also tried a perm in the high school years, that was a fiasco! I never really learned how to style my hair, brushes and hairdryers and hairspray were awkward to say the least. And in college the awkwardness just continued as I “grue” out another failed perm experiment.

Not until my roaring twenties after college did I start learning to “do” my hair. I had a Beatles bob for a long time and when it finally grew to below my ears, that’s when I started practicing how to get a sleek bob. Then when it got longer and I was partying and dressing up 4-5 nights a week, I started working out how to make my hair FAB-U-LOUS. Curly, straight, sleek, big, kinky, updo, downdo, and very platinum blonde. The more damaged it was, the better I could make it look. It was like a canvas I kept tweaking. Seriously, my hair would take me an hour at the least to rig into some high fashion statement. And I used so much “Freeze” that I would wake up with the same hairdo I had the night before. How alluring was I?! Oh, very!!

Now that big hair is no longer de rigueur, my hair is no longer damaged and it won’t do anything but what it wants. Mostly curl where it’s not supposed to or in the wrong direction. And my water “colors” my hair for me. That’s why most of my current pics show me with strawberry blonde hair. Hopefully a new water heater will fix this unwanted color treatment.

Oh, I'm back home by the way. Lots of work to catch up on and such! I had a good visit with my Gpa, but I am very glad to be home. I missed my space and my kitties.