I was reading my mother’s blog, Wednesday’s Child (see side for links), where she was talking about child-directed child-rearing and how frustrating it is to see it in action.
I’m a teacher and I am firmly in the “adult-directed/teacher-directed” camp. Yes, children need to learn autonomy, independence, problem-solving, and how to rely on themselves, but their growing up time CANNOT consist of them being in charge. Guidance is good.
I channel surf and catch shows like “Wife Swap” and “Super Nanny” and end up circling back like a vulture because the train wreck is too mesmerizing to stay away from. The children’s aggressions and extreme behavior are hard to watch. Watching the parents is even harder because they have let the situation become out of control.
I moonlighted as an employee in a pottery painting place. I loved helping the adults but God help me when a parent came in with small children. I knew it was going to be a nightmare – fragile breakables, non-edible paint, water, and pointy-ended paintbrushes were the makings of disasters.
One day a woman sauntered in with her 2 year old ringletted girl and a 5ish year old English prep school looking boy. His name was Ethan. I know this because she said his name 50 million times in half an hour. I don’t know the girl’s name because she was ignored until the very end of the fiasco of an outing. Ethan was asking his mother if he could do “????” repeatedly and she repeatedly said “Ethan, no/Ethan, I said no/No, Ethan/Ethan, Mommy said no” in a soft weak voice.
All the while Ethan had occupied his mother with his inappropriate behavior and perseverative requests for “????”, the 2 year old was calmly painting her fingers, hands, wrists, and forearms with red glaze, the color that is definitely not the one to ingest. She did an amazingly thorough job; there wasn’t an ounce of pink skin showing.
Finally the mother, after 20 or so minutes (yes, the girl had been painting the table, the dish, and herself for 20 minutes), “Well, all right” in a breathy tone of voice to Ethan.
What did Ethan learn? He learned if he just keeps plugging away, he’ll eventually get his way. Sooner or later, he’s going to put two and two together and learn aggressions are an effective short cut. He also learned “women are weak”.
Then the woman noticed the 2 year old (what did the girl learn? that she could basically do anything coz no one was paying the least amount of attention to her). Unholy chaos ensued and I gave her directions and the key to the downstairs bathroom upon request. She left the boy upstairs with me.
With me.
No asking me and no saying anything to him about being “good while I’m gone”.
He looked at me and I promptly gave him the “stare” which not only immobilized him like a snake does their small furry prey until his mother and sister came back but also let him know that I don't put up with that shit. They left.
I’m a teacher and I am firmly in the “adult-directed/teacher-directed” camp. Yes, children need to learn autonomy, independence, problem-solving, and how to rely on themselves, but their growing up time CANNOT consist of them being in charge. Guidance is good.
I channel surf and catch shows like “Wife Swap” and “Super Nanny” and end up circling back like a vulture because the train wreck is too mesmerizing to stay away from. The children’s aggressions and extreme behavior are hard to watch. Watching the parents is even harder because they have let the situation become out of control.
I moonlighted as an employee in a pottery painting place. I loved helping the adults but God help me when a parent came in with small children. I knew it was going to be a nightmare – fragile breakables, non-edible paint, water, and pointy-ended paintbrushes were the makings of disasters.
One day a woman sauntered in with her 2 year old ringletted girl and a 5ish year old English prep school looking boy. His name was Ethan. I know this because she said his name 50 million times in half an hour. I don’t know the girl’s name because she was ignored until the very end of the fiasco of an outing. Ethan was asking his mother if he could do “????” repeatedly and she repeatedly said “Ethan, no/Ethan, I said no/No, Ethan/Ethan, Mommy said no” in a soft weak voice.
All the while Ethan had occupied his mother with his inappropriate behavior and perseverative requests for “????”, the 2 year old was calmly painting her fingers, hands, wrists, and forearms with red glaze, the color that is definitely not the one to ingest. She did an amazingly thorough job; there wasn’t an ounce of pink skin showing.
Finally the mother, after 20 or so minutes (yes, the girl had been painting the table, the dish, and herself for 20 minutes), “Well, all right” in a breathy tone of voice to Ethan.
What did Ethan learn? He learned if he just keeps plugging away, he’ll eventually get his way. Sooner or later, he’s going to put two and two together and learn aggressions are an effective short cut. He also learned “women are weak”.
Then the woman noticed the 2 year old (what did the girl learn? that she could basically do anything coz no one was paying the least amount of attention to her). Unholy chaos ensued and I gave her directions and the key to the downstairs bathroom upon request. She left the boy upstairs with me.
With me.
No asking me and no saying anything to him about being “good while I’m gone”.
He looked at me and I promptly gave him the “stare” which not only immobilized him like a snake does their small furry prey until his mother and sister came back but also let him know that I don't put up with that shit. They left.
I had been working with children with Autism for a year by then (pottery painting = 2nd job) and I just watched horrified as the mother did everything my training said you were not to do if you wanted to decrease or eliminate inappropriate behaviors.
Also, my seven years of preschool experience taught me the value of a well-placed firm “no” accompanied by the “stare”. Loss of privileges works too.
This woman had no clue she was creating two monsters. Did she not have parenting skills, couldn't she see what she was doing, was it “easier” for her to just give way, were they just trophy children for oblivious yuppies, or was she just plain stupid? I have no idea. My gut tells me she was one of those parents who believe “you must let a child be a child, set no limits, they will find them themselves”.
Yeah, right.
Why didn’t I step in?
1) I was a stranger.
2) I didn’t have the right.
3) I couldn’t say anything or WAY too much would have come out thus getting me fired.
I like my current job, I can say stuff coz they ask me for it.
1 comment:
The ones who need to know this--will never think it's meant for them.
I just finished reading a book about a group of do gooders who abduct children from households where they aren't going to develop properly and then they sell the children to wealthy families. Like wealthy equals good parenting.
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