Have I Got A Meme For You!

Again, what does this word mean?

Anyhoo, its title is “What’s One of the ---- Things You’ve Ever Done?” Fill in the blank with the numbered words below to answer the questions.

Have fun reading it, it’s a long one, so consider it as weekend reading.

1) Most grown-up? Becoming a home owner.

2) Least responsible? Shopping like there was no tomorrow in my 20’s. I thought nothing of shopping Friday night for that weekend’s outfits. I would never do that now, but it was fun to live high when I could.

3) Expensive? Buying the house, next is buying a car, next would be the recent replacement of all windows in the house.

4) Cheapest? Book signed by Isaac Asimov bought at a used book sale for 50 cents. Not to mention all the appliances and hardware my parents give me secondhand when my dad wants a newer version of whatever it is.

5) Most altruistic? One day, the parent (of the child with Autism I worked with) was driving us (child, child’s younger brother, me and her) to the school. We got to an intersection and the parent was waiting for a space in the traffic when all of a sudden we were rear-ended very hard. She’d had her head cranked around to watch the traffic and hit her temple on the side of the doorframe, I had just turned around from answering a question the sibling asked, and both boys were safely in their car seats. The mother turned to me, in lots of pain from her head which was raising an extremely large egg, crying and asking how the children were. I told her they were fine. Another driver called 9-1-1 and an ambulance came pretty quickly. They assessed all of us and decided the mother needed to be transported to the hospital so her head could be checked out. The mother had called the father but was unable to talk to him. She gave me the phone and I had to try to explain what happened to a very excitable NewYorker. He asked if the van was drivable and would I meet him at the hospital. I said okay. The ambulance drives off with the mother. The child with Autism appeared to be oblivious of all the drama, but the sibling was very aware that his mother was being hauled away and he started to tear up. I looked at him and told him that his mother was going to be okay, we were going to follow his mommy to the hospital and I, “Super Sam” would drive the van. The trust in those eyes gave me the strength to turn around and put aside my doubts about driving the van. I’d never driven one, especially a damaged one with the gearshift as part of the steering column and two kiddos in the back seat that were suddenly all my responsibility. I managed to get the van going and drove cautiously to the hospital, remembering to keep my voice light and unconcerned to keep the sibling calm. I get us to the hospital, two kids in tow, one lunch bag, and my workbag. I asked the staff to find us a waiting room with one door (so I could keep the child with Autism in a safe place) and to scrounge us up some toys and books. I kept reinforcing the autistic child with bacon, reassuring his sibling, and waiting for either the father to show up or news on the mother. Both arrived at the same time. I had to drive the van back to the home, while the father took the family once the mother was released. After getting to their house, I asked to be excused for a while and went off to hyperventilate in my car for some post traumatic release.

6) Meanest? When my brother was a baby and put in a “Johnny Jump Up” thing that hung in the doorway, I would check to make sure there were no parents around and then hang onto the bottom of it. Once he was sufficiently low enough, I would then let him go like a catapult and watch him bounce around hitting the doorframe. I also made him eat catfood, withheld my company from him when he really wanted to play with me, and got him in trouble every chance I could which mostly ended up backfiring on me.

7) Funniest? In high school, late afternoon, I was in that state you get into when you’re fatigued and anything strikes you as funny. Well, this other student, who was not greatly liked by anyone because of his major superiority complex, was walking to his desk. I was already seated so I had the perfect front row seat. He tripped over the strap of his bag and the expression on his face as he went down was priceless and exactly what was need to drive me over the slap-happy edge. Imagine a tan Kermit with even buggier eyes wearing the expression, “no, no, this can’t be happening to me, I’m too superior for this faux pas, no, I can’t believe I tripped over my own bag, I’m going down!” I lost it, completely lost it. Every time I thought I was done laughing, his expression would flash through my head and off I went again. Good thing the teacher was tolerant and it was the last class of the day so everyone was a bit loopy, I laughed for an hour straight. Best damn exercise I’ve ever had and the most fun!

8) Saddest? Losing loved ones; family, friends, and pets. I can’t tell these stories, too sad.

9) Craziest? One night some sorority sisters and I decided to wade/swim to the middle of the river in the middle of town and spray paint “The Rock” with our Greek letters. We went to go see our handiwork the next day and it was gone. We found out another group had the same crazy idea and spray painted about an hour after we left. Bummer!

10) Most fun? Our bus rides to school while we lived in Germany were just shy of an hour long. Most times we just talked with friends or listened to our Walkmans (they had just come out!). But other times we tried to come up with stuff to amuse ourselves for the boring ride. One of the things I contributed was “Squish”. There were five seats in the very back of the bus. Typically the Seniors had control over this area, age descending as you went towards the front of the bus. The roads in Germany are very curvy and I thought it would be fun to see how many people we could jam into the back seat. So every time we went around a curve, we would lean and pile to that side (the squish part of “Squish”) and a person would jump in. Next curve same thing. Our highest score was 10 people. The side effect of squishing was squeezing you so hard you just started laughing.

11) Most illegal? Trespassing in a cemetery after dark while in college or the speeding ticket or the time I got pulled over by a cop on a bike because he saw that my inspection sticker was expired (by 8 months!) when he rode by me during a red light. He made me pull over after it turned green. How mortifying – bright red sports car pulled over to the side of the road by a cop on a bike writing a ticket.

12) Most dangerous? Spontaneously (but having thought things over for several weeks prior) breaking up with my college boyfriend at a friend’s wedding while he was drunk and belligerent because if I didn’t do it then, I would still be with him and miserable. And instead of staying in the hotel room he reserved for us, I opted to be driven back to college by 4 drunken frat brothers (of my boyfriend). I chose to take the chance of being in a major car accident rather than stay in a hotel room and get the shit beat out of me. I filled them up with fries, hamburgers, and lots of coffee and I made it home safe and sound. SomeOne was looking out for me.

13) Most creative? When I was a pre-school teacher, that’s when I was at my most creative. I was constantly making things, coming up with curricula, projects, and ways to teach concepts without the kids knowing they were learning. The kids really enjoyed my class and the best part was the younger kids would tell me they couldn’t wait to be in my class next.

14) Most lemming-like? The She-Mullet.

15) Bravest? Going to the dentist for both my fillings.

16) Most cowardly? Avoiding the dentist for 13 years. But you know when you have a phobia, you can rationalize anything into a reason not to go.

17) Smartest? Graduating from college with cum laude honors.

18) Stupidest? Drinking extreme amounts of alcohol during my college years and 20’s.

19) Scariest? Visiting the “Cult House” late one night in the middle of a field during my college days. With no flashlight and one book of matches, us girls (part of the women’s soccer team) stayed upstairs while the manly men (mostly wrestlers and football players) went into the basement which had a dirt floor. Lighting matches one by one, they found freshly turned dirt in an area that would roughly cover the size of a person. I’m not sure what exactly the manly men were doing down there or what they saw, but something happened or someone saw something and one of the manly men screamed, literally a high-pitched panicked scream like in the movies. When they came boiling up the stairwell, we ALL took off like bats out of hell. While running like maniacs for the cars, I (with multiple stress fractures in my legs) and the other injured person (his shoulder), a big football guy named Joe, were in the rear. Everyone else was out of sight. I jogged along trying to keep Joe in my sights. I looked down to check the next-to-invisible footing coz the ground cover was very grippy around the ankles and I was having trouble keeping my balance. I looked up and Joe was gone. As he wasn’t going that fast, I knew he should have still been in front of me. So, I kept sort of running and calling his name like a typical white chick in a horror flick, not paying any attention whatsoever to the ground. Next thing I knew, I’m treading thin air and I fell into this massive hole (!) landing on my hands and knees. When I looked up, I found myself bug-eyeing a huge pipe opening. A pipe opening big enough to have some THING come out of it and drag me into it. I climbed up the sides of that hole as fast as I could with compromised legs. Back up on the field, I started yelling, as quietly as I could because the neighboring farmer was rumored to not be opposed to using his shotgun to take care of trespassers, for Joe and I heard, very very faintly, “I’m down here”. I yelled back “where?” and heard, again barely audible, “Help, I can’t get out of here”. So I started running in circles trying to find out where his voice was and next thing I knew, I fell into another hole, smaller this time and pipeless, but that didn’t mean something couldn’t come out of the ground and get me, easy pickin’s. Joe sounded closer when I got myself out of the second hole. I finally find him in the granddaddy of all holes. He looked very tiny at the bottom of it and he was a big guy, 200 lbs at the very least. Pure muscle but with his injured shoulder, he couldn’t pull himself up for the life of him. So there I am, 130 lbs at that far back in past, looking down at him and he was expecting me to pull him out of this big-ass hole. Well, somehow we managed to get him out of the hole, the logistics escape me but I know it took awhile. Once we were both back on our feet, we warily took off in the direction of the cars. Why didn’t anyone come back for us? Their response was that they were afraid “we’d been ‘taken’ and were giving us 5 more minutes before they drove off for help”. Apparently we made it in their stipulated time frame because they were still there when our sorry injured asses came dragging up to the cars.

20) Ugliest? Middle school: wearing thick-lensed glasses that covered a vast amount of territory which included the lower part of my forehead and to the middle of my cheeks, sporting a shadowy uni-brow, zits, and long straight hair perpetually drawn back from my face with two barrettes, one on each side.

21) Most glamorous? The early 90’s, big salon beautiful magazine ad nearly platinum blonde hair, curvaceous dresses, high heels, immaculate make-up, big earrings, and lots of perfume.

22) Hardest? Getting out of an abusive relationship.

23) Easiest? Telling people “no”.

24) Most painful? Looking someone in the eye and telling them I didn’t love them anymore and watching them cry in front of me.

25) Most embarrassing? Going out on a first date with a guy who made a great first impression. When I met him he was wearing nicely fitting jeans that were appropriately long in the leg, a wonderful creamy white turtleneck sweater that looked yummy on him, and he was a surgical tech. That’s what I was expecting when I met him for our first date, but his first impression when south and fast… instead of showing up as yummy guy, he showed up in too-short too-tight jeans, shirt unbuttoned so I can see his hair dickey, and aviator sunglasses from the 70’s. Now, my stomach started to hurt a bit at this point (my stomach has always been an early warning system for me regarding men), but I tried to put appearances aside and give him a chance like my friends and family are always telling me I need to do. He asked me to show him the neighboring town, I did so, and I had a relatively good time despite mentally harping on his outfit. We came back to my town and went out for lunch. I can’t remember what we talked about, but I know at some point I used the straw from my drink to illustrate a point I was making. A few drops of water, water mind you, flicked onto him. You would have thought I flicked vitreous acid on him thus scarring him for life or rendering him blind by his reaction. The people at the tables near us were treated to quite a show. He said in this very cold voice, “What did you just do to me?” I didn’t realize he wasn’t joking so I laughed and said I’d accidentally flicked water on him, no harm done, wasn’t meant on purpose. He asked again in an even louder icier tone of voice, “what did you just do to me?” I stopped laughing and repeated I just flicked water on him accidentally. He said “Don’t you ever, ever do that again.” and he stared at me while exaggeratedly wiping water off. It was only 3 drops at the MOST! I sat there, my stomach (which had been giving me small jabs all damn day) went into overdrive and painfully cramped up. The people around us were looking at him in an appalled way. I didn’t finish my food. He finished his in silence, drove me home, dropped me off, and never called again. Thank god!

26) Most shining-like-a-star moment? Teaching a young non-verbal child with Autism to sign for “help” and having him grasp that concept. Also, being informed by parents of my preschool kids that the kiddos were reading in Kindergarten thanks to the academic foundation I provided them. Whoo hoo!