Sorry, this one's not going to be so funny or full o' wit. Not feeling so ON today, guess I'm feeling the underwhelming effects of tonight's America's Next Top Model finale which sucked some serious ass as the top two and the winner are definitely not Top Model material.
Show started:
Jack was worried as he might have a staph infection.
Sweet P was sad as Chris left behind a void.
Christian was as narcissitic as usual.
Model Swap turned out to be Model Surprise as Heidi introduced new models who were "real" women that have each lost a significant amount of weight.
Challenge: Design an outfit, using the favorite too big clothes the models were wearing as the raw materials, that is suitable for everyday and reflects not only the model's tastes but the designers' styles.
Christian had a hissy fit because he can only design for thin walking "clothes hanger" hot Asian Barbie dolls. Luckily Karma gave him a model who had strong dislikes and basically bitch-slapped him into order personality-wise.
After shots of fast and frantic shopping and some initial fitting, Jack decided he needed to call his doctor as his face wasn't getting any better. Poor Jack, he was starting to look like a Garbage Pail Kid. His doctor told him he needed to come in for treatment and Jack took Tim aside to let him know he needed to leave for medical reasons.
Tim had everyone "gather 'round" and had Jack say his goodbyes. Everyone cried, yes that included Ricky who always has enough extra moisture for a good cry.
Viewers were then treated to Ricky in gold strappy heels. I could SOOO see him as Mr. Slave when he put those shoes and his model's jeans on, all he needed were the chaps!
Tim had everyone "gather 'round again" for a surprise... Chris was brought back to fill in the gap. "Didja miss me?" Giggle giggle giggle. Sweet P and Elisa were ecstatic.
And because he had a late start, Chris got to work through the night. As if that's going to help him. Tim cautioned Chris not to make bad late night decisions. And Tim is speaking from experience as "he's made so many bad decisions at 3 o'clock in the morning." Everyone started snicker-giggling because their minds are in the gutter. Tim called himself "an old fart" when he finally caught on to why everyone was laughing coz Tim doesn't do the gutter.
Many takes and shots of Steve refusing to deal with the wedding dress. "It's too polyester, it's too beaded, it's too fake laced, it's too much material, it's too white, it's too TOO". Suck it up and get over it already!
Runway Day:
Ricky cried again after his model gets hair and make-upped.
Steven was panic-sweating and finally resorted to using glue to put his awful outfit together and getting two other designers to help him. What I don't understand is why he couldn't finish what was basically a simple sack-like black dress in the time allotted?
Plenty of confidence floating around ready to be popped.
Most of the models hammed it up walking down the runway. Is it me or did most of them walk like they were football linebackers?
I liked Ricky's - thought it was flattering around the waist and bosom but then, that's what he's used to designing for. Ditto for Kevin's yellow and black ensemble, her weight loss was definitely shown off to great effect. Rami actually had the top of his outfit fit the model's boobies, most everyone else had loose booby-fitting issues. Why is that they can't deal appropriately with real boobies? Only a small percentage of the entire real woman population have boobies that hold themselves up either on their own or with silicone assistance. Lift and separate has always been the golden rule, or has everyone lost their ever-loving mind and decided below the elbow bend is attractive?
Top Three:
Kevin - judges could tell his model was extremely satisfied with her outfit, walkin' all sassy, but the leggings he needed to be careful with.
Jillian - despite not using the original red material, the judges all thought the dress was sexy and beautiful. I had issues with the "girls" not being lifted up and actually broke out in song - "Do your boobies hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow. can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier, do your boobies hang low?"
Christian - judges thought it was very him, hip, young. His model didn't want to take it off.
Bottom Three:
Elisa - judges thought she didn't reflect her client (though her client said she liked it) and it was too chopped up color scheme-wise to be flattering.
Steve - judges thought it was a horrible French Maid Attending a Funeral, at least they didn't spot any pins a la Ricky coz he used glue!
Chris - judges said he was too wrapped up in cliches and costumes (what a surprise).
Winner: Christian who said "I've finally fucking won a challenge!" No false modesty or humble pie for this beeyotch boy.
Auffed: Steven, which we could have seen coming a mile away.
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