Top 10 Heinous Current Fashions

Bonus: 70's prints/colors - totally self-explanatory, excuse me while I go bandage my eyes.

Number 10: Pit Purses - Women just aren't ready or willing to give these lovely items up yet. Seriously, if I wanted a place to store my armpit sweat, it wouldn't be a purse. What's the use of having a purse jammed directly into your pit? Oh, so pickpockets can't get into them? Well, I hate to break it to ya, they can get dollar bills out of painted-on-pants and you wouldn't know it...

Number 9: Camel Toes - This has been around for awhile, but there are still plenty of women walking around with pants two sizes too small giving us all a nice shot of the V formation the front of their pants make all because they just can't admit their true size is one that fits them appropriately.

Number 8: Hoochie Skirts - Forget about bending over to pick up anything in these, much less getting out of a car. Ditto going up/down stairs without giving your fellow humans a long look at your goodies. I think they're cute on the hanger, but having my skirt skimming the bottom of my butt cheeks now that I'm no longer in my 20's is just plain asinine. Not to mention I plan on keeping my spider veins and cellulite TO MYSELF!

Number 7: Buttcrack Pants - These are just NEVER going to GO AWAY! I'm sick and tired of the array of butt cracks I come across during the course of my day. Recently I was exposed to butt crack at an elementary school and it wasn't kid crack coz their pants were too big, it was adult crack coz their damn pants were too small!

Number 7a: Buttfloss - Usually accompanies butt crack pants, coz it isn't a full butt crack viewing experience unless you see a brightly colored piece of floss delving into the depths.

Number 6: Dresses with Pants - Who thought dresses with slacks was a good idea, thank god this is on it's way out finally.

Number 5: Boob Pucker - This started about a year ago and is now EVERYWHERE! What is this you are asking? It's that gathering of fabric between, below, or to the side of the breast areas on shirts that will allow the fabric to stretch to accomodate your boobs. Originally it was found on plus size clothing, then it morphed onto dressier T-shirts for any size that are usually cut on a bias, but it can now be found dress shirts and dresses. Nice ideal, but unfortunately in the real world, the boob pucker doesn't entirely disappear and people's eyes are drawn to the strategically placed visual cue of wrinkles between, under, and/or around your boobies. And for the A-cup women, truly a pitiful sight, talk about accentuating the negative.

Number 4: Caucafro - I'm hoping I'm the coiner of this term, but most likely someone else coined it first... this is that white teenage boy rat's nest wannabe afro coz a) he can't be bothered to ever cut his pseudo-currrly hair, b) he's trying REALLY hard to be something he's never gonna be no matter how harrrrrd he tries, or c) at some point he thinks a really strong wind will scatter his seed like dandelions. And they are constantly scratching like they have nits. In a word, fugly. Get rrrreal.

Number 3: Sausage Casing - This fashion statement will always be with us as long as there are women who insist on shoe-horning themselves into sweatpants or active wear clothes that are too tight, thus creating a set of human sausage links. Where are the T-Rexes when you need them?

Number 2: Muffin Topping - Any low rise pant will do this, even if you're considered skinny. This is when the pants cause the skin around the waist to form a roll so that when one wears tight shirts, midriff baring shirts, or just lifts up their arms, their waist looks like a muffin does when it bakes over the tin. And for some godawful reason, this super unattractive trend has been allowed to continue for years. People, where are your REAL friends and why are they letting you out of the house??!!

Number 1: Vajayjay Shorts - New, hot off the clothing presses. I've seen these shorts the last few warm days on highschoolers waiting for the bus - nice statement huh? Wonder how comfy it is sitting with the seam of your shorts wedged so far up your vajayjay, it's like a gag? Hopefully these shorts are sold with Nair coupons or a free bikini wax, coz if you've got anything wild goin' on, these shorts are gonna share it with the world!