Last Saturday is the day I decided to do all the yard work that needed to be done so I could have Sunday and Monday free of “labor”.
I had just finished mowing the lawn and started edging the driveway. You know, taking off the fringe of lawn that is creeping over your driveway, narrowing it each year you put off this particular project?
I was all hot and sweaty and drippy and untidy and unshowered and covered in grass and dirt kneeling at the end of my driveway when the missionaries waltzed up my driveway all tidy, shining, and pressed in their white shirts, ties, and black pants.
Essentially, I was a captive audience for the Word of God.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people and their religion of choice as long as they are not aggressively seeking to convert me, a zealot, a fanatic, an Inquisitor, or willing to kill themselves and others to score a point for their Supreme Being. To each their own, as long as it makes you happy/gives you something positive to believe in/helps you fulfill your potential/makes you a better person.
The missionaries spent about 15-20 minutes with me (I never stopped edging the entire time) and the speaker of the duo (the 2nd one never said a word) tried to convince me that because I hung around Mormons in high school, one of my best friends is Mormon, and I work with a few Mormons “that didn’t I think this was a direct message from God that I should join up?”
Me (laughing): “No and organized religion is not for me”.
Missionary 1: “How you do you think you are going to be with God after you die?”
Me: “I haven’t quite firmed up my beliefs on what happens after we die because no one knows for sure what happens – out like a light, white robes and harps or horns and pitchforks, serial killers coming back as dung beetles, or astrally going to another dimension. And really, with all the different religions and spiritual beliefs out there, what is the real version of God, the Supreme Being, or the ambiguous Universal One? All religions have commonalities and possibly a kernel of truth buried under all the perceptions/misperceptions/opinions of the human storytellers.” (Condensed version of my words, there is about 5-10 minutes of repartee I’m taking the license of arbitrarily summing up.)
Missionary 1: “I agree with the ‘kernel of truth’ part but I don’t believe in reincarnation and serial killers are in for a spiritual learning experience all their own courtesy of God.” (those weren’t his exact words, but this is what filtered into my head). “I have had my own personal experiences with God and I guarantee being Mormon means going to God.”
Me (laughing): “You can’t guarantee anything you don’t have proof of.”
Missionary 1: “God has given me proof.
Me: “Perception isn’t proof.”
Missionary 1: “That’s where faith comes in.”
Me: “Fine, but I still don’t agree with organized religions as the pathway to ‘wherever’ we’re going.”
Missionary 1: “The Books of Mormon are the pathway.”
Me: “The Books were written by a flawed human being who was interested in touting his own version of ‘THE pathway to God’”.
He had to take a moment.
I don’t want to give you the impression that we were arguing or that this conversation consisted of smooth back and forthing, because it wasn’t. Mostly I was chuckling after his comments before I drew upon all the speculative non-fiction books I’ve read and osmosis-ed through the years for my vaguely shocking, blasphemous, or anti-religious replies. There were long pauses while he tried to come up with pithy rebuttals that would enlighten me into having my own glorifying direct experience with God and cause me to jump up and say, “sign me up, I wanna be a Mormon!” Which didn’t happen, obviously. I mightily resisted the temptation to ask him where he stood on polygamy.
There was more talk, mostly different .0 versions of the Word of God on his part and towards the end, my social tolerance had diminished and I cheerily sent them on THEIR way so I can merrily skip MY way to spiritual enlightenment.
I had just finished mowing the lawn and started edging the driveway. You know, taking off the fringe of lawn that is creeping over your driveway, narrowing it each year you put off this particular project?
I was all hot and sweaty and drippy and untidy and unshowered and covered in grass and dirt kneeling at the end of my driveway when the missionaries waltzed up my driveway all tidy, shining, and pressed in their white shirts, ties, and black pants.
Essentially, I was a captive audience for the Word of God.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people and their religion of choice as long as they are not aggressively seeking to convert me, a zealot, a fanatic, an Inquisitor, or willing to kill themselves and others to score a point for their Supreme Being. To each their own, as long as it makes you happy/gives you something positive to believe in/helps you fulfill your potential/makes you a better person.
The missionaries spent about 15-20 minutes with me (I never stopped edging the entire time) and the speaker of the duo (the 2nd one never said a word) tried to convince me that because I hung around Mormons in high school, one of my best friends is Mormon, and I work with a few Mormons “that didn’t I think this was a direct message from God that I should join up?”
Me (laughing): “No and organized religion is not for me”.
Missionary 1: “How you do you think you are going to be with God after you die?”
Me: “I haven’t quite firmed up my beliefs on what happens after we die because no one knows for sure what happens – out like a light, white robes and harps or horns and pitchforks, serial killers coming back as dung beetles, or astrally going to another dimension. And really, with all the different religions and spiritual beliefs out there, what is the real version of God, the Supreme Being, or the ambiguous Universal One? All religions have commonalities and possibly a kernel of truth buried under all the perceptions/misperceptions/opinions of the human storytellers.” (Condensed version of my words, there is about 5-10 minutes of repartee I’m taking the license of arbitrarily summing up.)
Missionary 1: “I agree with the ‘kernel of truth’ part but I don’t believe in reincarnation and serial killers are in for a spiritual learning experience all their own courtesy of God.” (those weren’t his exact words, but this is what filtered into my head). “I have had my own personal experiences with God and I guarantee being Mormon means going to God.”
Me (laughing): “You can’t guarantee anything you don’t have proof of.”
Missionary 1: “God has given me proof.
Me: “Perception isn’t proof.”
Missionary 1: “That’s where faith comes in.”
Me: “Fine, but I still don’t agree with organized religions as the pathway to ‘wherever’ we’re going.”
Missionary 1: “The Books of Mormon are the pathway.”
Me: “The Books were written by a flawed human being who was interested in touting his own version of ‘THE pathway to God’”.
He had to take a moment.
I don’t want to give you the impression that we were arguing or that this conversation consisted of smooth back and forthing, because it wasn’t. Mostly I was chuckling after his comments before I drew upon all the speculative non-fiction books I’ve read and osmosis-ed through the years for my vaguely shocking, blasphemous, or anti-religious replies. There were long pauses while he tried to come up with pithy rebuttals that would enlighten me into having my own glorifying direct experience with God and cause me to jump up and say, “sign me up, I wanna be a Mormon!” Which didn’t happen, obviously. I mightily resisted the temptation to ask him where he stood on polygamy.
There was more talk, mostly different .0 versions of the Word of God on his part and towards the end, my social tolerance had diminished and I cheerily sent them on THEIR way so I can merrily skip MY way to spiritual enlightenment.
2 comments:
I hate when that happens, and you right you were the perfect captivated audience. I would have loved to hear your exchange with them. You gotta wonder how many people really sign up to be a Morman after a visit. Yet, they keep coming to visit. Even to our new house, way out in the country.
Glad you were able to get back to your yard work!
It sounds like you had a good time with them. I'm glad to hear it. Most of these type of missionaries are more than happy to tell you what they "believe", but not very good at wanting to know what you believe. I hope you were able to convert them over to thinking about what they believe!
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