Venting with a Side of Humor

I must vent. As a home-owner with three indoor cats, I have opted to not own a dog and thus deal with the resulting outdoor gifts. Apparently someone in my cute quaint neighborhood or a dog-walking tourist from another neighborhood has decided my lawn is the perfect place to let their dogs deposit HUGE piles of crap. My family and friends know that I am the type of person to put that crap in a baggie, follow/track/stalk that person, and "deposit" it on their doorstep with a note explaining just where the crap came from, why it is now on their doorstep, and if I find more crap, I'm calling the cops to direct them to their house. When I mow, I chuck the dogpoop out on the street in the hopes that they (the impolite humans) will step in it on their next trip thus ensuring a Kharmic bitchslap.

Now to the humor part of this post... There is this word contest that I heard of through emails where changes are made to a word and humorous definitions are created as a result. My changes are indicated by the ( ). Here would be my submissions...

1) obsen(t)ity: a foul-mouthed ghost

2) secretar(t)y: a slutty receptionist or highly sexed receptionist

3) secretar(d)y: a chronically late receptionist

4) stationa(i)ry: airmail writing paper

5) (s)permissive: lenient towards having males take part in the procreation process

6) collage(r): insoluable fibrous protein (aka fake filler for lips) and beer with side effect that old people look young enough if you drink enough

7) psychiatr(u)st: a professional psychiatrist accessing a messed up rich kid’s trust fund

8) insinu(l)ation: the suggestion that extra padding is needed for the “less than bountiful” areas of the body (mostly referring to male enhancement and padded bra commercials)

9) (st)retrograde: 80’s pre-and-post-workout routine

10) ra(g)ification: consent to be teased or made fun of

11) comp(o)nion: a person who is close to you that tends to make you feel bad and you cry a lot as a result

12) (m)allergic: aversion to large shopping centers all under one roof

13) (s)parsimonious: taking being thrifty and frugal to a whole new level of meagerness